Charming and Absurd: 19th-Century Victorian Etiquette

“Never use the initial of a person’s name to designate him. Nothing is so odious as to hear a lady speak of her husband, or, indeed, anyone else, as Mr. B.” – Emily Thornwell

Proper etiquette has played a pivotal role in civilized society, shaping the social norms from the grand courts of Louis XIV to the burgeoning middle class of 19th-century America. These rules of decorum have guided individuals on how to present themselves with grace and propriety. In today’s post, I go through Emily Thornwell’s etiquette guidelines and other historical sources. I find myself marveling at the blend of earnest advice and amusing rigidity that governed every aspect of a lady’s life during the Victorian Era.

Examining the dos and dont’s that once dictated everything from a lady’s gait to her interactions with neighbors, friends, and men has been a fascinating experience. Yet, amidst the humor, there’s a recognition of the societal pressures and expectations that once shaped the everyday interactions of women — some I find surprisingly sensible, and others are simply laughable by modern standards.

Imagine being advised to never look too frequently to the left or right while walking in a city, lest you invite impertinent advances from unknown villains, or to always accept a gentleman’s offer to dismount you from a horse to avoid any unladylike struggles. These rules also dictated dining manners with exacting details through each course of the meal. They are very absurd in a modern sense.

Each rule, no matter how trivial or amusing, offers a window into the past. Whether it’s the admonition against walking alone after twilight or the careful instruction on how to gracefully raise one’s dress above the ankle, these guidelines speak volumes about the anxieties and aspirations of women. As I navigate through these rules of conduct, I can’t help but wonder: What lessons can we glean from the etiquette of yesterday? Which customs still hold relevance in our modern world, and which are best left to the past?

PLEASE TAKE NOTE: The etiquette guide and all the “rules” I’ve posted are directly quoted from: The Lady’s Guide to Perfect Gentility etc. By Emily Thornwell (New York: Derby and Jackson, Published 1856) – I did not write them myself.

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Etiquette Lesson #1: Gait and Carriage

A lady ought to adopt a modest and intentionally measured gait; too great hurry can injure the grace which ought to characterize her. She should not turn her head on one side and on the other, especially in large towns or cities, where this bad habit seems to be an invitation to the impertinent. A lady should not present herself alone in a library, or a museum, unless to study, or work as an artist.

A Gentlemen’s attendance. – After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone unescorted; and if she passes the evening with anyone, she ought, beforehand, to provide someone to come for her at a stated hour; but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to accompany her for safety.

In riding, the gentleman’s first duty is to provide a gentle horse, properly caparisoned. After seeing that the girths are all tightened, he leads the lady to the horse. With her back to the horse, she takes hold of the horn of the saddle, and the reins with her right hand, and places her left foot upon the shoulder of the gentleman, who stoops before her, making a stirrup for her of his clasped hands.

Raising himself up to his feet gently, the lady is able to be placed securely in the horse’s saddle. The gentleman puts her foot in the stirrup, adjusts her dress, mounts his own horse and takes his position, usually on the right, but authorities differ, and many prefer the left. In dismounting, the lady, having lifted her foot from the stirrup, may be received in the gentleman’s arms.

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Etiquette Lesson #2 – Attention to Others

When you are passing in the street, and happen to see coming towards you a person of your acquaintance, whether they be a lady or an elderly person, you should always offer them the wall, that is to say, the side next to the houses. If a carriage should happen to stop, in such a manner as to leave only a narrow passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more expeditiously; wait your turn, and if any one of the persons before mentioned comes up, you should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They also, as they pass, should bow politely to you in return.

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Etiquette Lesson #3 – Never Use Your Knife

A lady should never use their knife to convey your food to your mouth, under any circumstance; it is unnecessary and glaringly vulgar to the eye. Feed yourself with a fork or spoon, nothing else; a knife is only to be used for cutting the food. The knife and fork should not be held upright in the hands, but always sloping; when done, lay them parallel to each other upon the plate. When you eat, bend the body a little toward your plate in a polite manner; do not gnaw bones at the table, always use your napkin before and after drinking.

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Etiquette Lesson #4 – Decorum at The Table

It is ridiculous to make a display of your napkin; to attach it with pins to your bosom, or to pass it through your button; to use a fork in eating soup; to ask for meat instead of beef; for poultry instead of chicken; to turn up your cuffs in carving; to take bread, even when it is within your reach, instead of calling upon the servant; to cut with a knife your bread which should be broken by the hand, and to pour coffee into the saucer to cool. In conversation, be careful not to speak while eating a mouthful; it is indecorous in the extreme.

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Etiquette Lesson #5 – How to Address Young Gentlemen

Do not be tempted to indulge in feminine indecorum, which may be countenanced, but can never be sanctioned by example; that of addressing young gentlemen of your acquaintance, who are unconnected [i.e., unrelated], by their christian names. It opens the way to unpleasant familiarities on their part, more effectually than you can well imagine, unless you have been taught the painful lesson by the imprudence of a friend. Any evident intention to display familiarity with them, will be more intolerable than absolute ignorance.

A lady’s influence in conversation.–Every woman whose heart and mind have been properly regulated, is capable of exerting a most salutary influence over the gentlemen with whom she associates; and this fact has been acknowledged by the best and wisest of all men, and seldom has it ever been disputed, except by those whose capacities for observation have been perverted by adverse circumstances. Always seek to converse with gentlemen into whose society you may be introduced, with a dignified modesty and simplicity, which will effectually check on their part any attempt at familiarity . . . .You may with propriety accept such delicate attentions as polished and refined men are desirous of paying, but never solicit them, or appear to be expecting them.

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Etiquette Lesson #6 – Lady’s Proper Attire

Ladies’ morning attire.–The most appropriate morning dress for a lady upon first rising is a small muslin cap and loose robe. It is not in good taste for a lady to appear at the table in the morning without being laced at all; it gives an air of untidiness to the whole appearance. The hair papers which cannot be removed on rising (because the hair would not keep in curl till evening), should be concealed under a bandeau of lace . . . .

In this dress we can receive only intimate friends, or persons who call upon urgent or indispensable business; even then we should offer some apology for it. To neglect to take off this morning dress as soon as possible is to expose one’s self to embarrassments often very painful, and to the appearance of a want of education.

Morning Dress: A closely fitting morning-dress of plain cashmere, sleeves short at the wrist to display the full puff of muslin around the hand. A row of gimp embroidery from the hem of the skirt to the throat. Small collar of embroidered muslin, and cap of lace and ribbon.

Every one knows that whatever be the fortune of a young lady, her dress ought always, in form as well as ornaments, to exhibit less of a recherché appearance, and should be less showy than that of married ladies. Costly cashmeres, very rich furs, and diamonds, as well as many other brilliant ornaments, are to be forbidden a young lady; and those who act in defiance of these rational marks of propriety make us believe that they are possessed of an unrestrained love of luxury, and deprive themselves of the pleasure of receiving those ornaments from the hand of the man of their choice at some future day.

Walking Dress: for sociable calls, of plain stone colored merino; a short cloak of ture satin, trimmed with fringe; drawn casing bonnet of dark-green silk.

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Etiquette Lesson #7 – Raising the Dress & Proper Behavior

When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With the right hand, she should hold together the folds of her gown, and draw them towards the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is absolutely vulgar. This ungraceful practice can only be tolerated for a few simple moments, when the mud is very deep.

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Etiquette Lesson #8 – Bad habits in the highest degree displeasing

To look steadily at anyone, especially if you are a lady and are speaking to a gentleman; to turn the head frequently on one side and the other during conversation; to balance yourself upon your chair; to bend forward; to strike your hands upon your knees; to hold one of your knees between your hands locked together; to cross your legs; to extend your feet on the andirons; to admire yourself with complacency in a glass; to adjust, in an affected manner, your cravat, hair, dress, or handkerchief; to remain without gloves; to fold carefully your shawl, instead of throwing it with graceful negligence upon a table; to fret about a hat which you have just left off; to laugh immoderately; to place your hand upon the person with whom you are conversing…

To take him by the buttons, the collar of his cloak, the cuffs, the waist, and so forth; to seize any person by the waist or arm, or to touch their person; to roll the eyes or to raise them with affectation; to take snuff from the box of your neighbor, or to offer it to strangers, especially to ladies; to play continually with your chain or fan; to beat time with the feet and hands; to whirl round a chair with your hand; to shake with your feet the chair of your neighbor; to rub your face or your hands; wink your eyes; shrug up your shoulders; stamp your feet, and so forth.

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Etiquette Lesson #9 – Speaking to Your Husband

A lady should not ever say “my husband,” except among intimates; in every other case she should always address him by his name, calling him “Mr.” It is equally proper, except on occasions of ceremony, and while she is quite young, to designate him by his christian name. Never use the initial of a person’s name to designate him; as “Mr. P.,” “Mr. L.,” etc. Nothing is so odious as to hear a lady speak of her husband, or, indeed, anyone else, as “Mr. B.”

How a lady should be spoken of by her husband. – It is equally improper for a gentleman to say “my wife,” except among very intimate friends; he should mention her as “Mrs. So-and-so.” When in private, the expression “my dear,” or merely the christian name, is considered in accordance with the best usage among the more refined.

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Etiquette Lesson #10 – Requisites to Female Beauty

Exercise is unquestionably one of the very best means for the preservation of health; but its real importance is unknown, or but too lightly considered by the majority of females. Were they, however, to be made fully sensible of its extraordinary power in preserving the vigor of the body, in augmenting its capability to resist disease, in promoting its symmetrical development, in improving the freshness and brilliancy of the complexion, as well as its influence in prolonging the charms of beauty to an advanced age, they would shake off the prejudices by which they have been so long enthralled, and not voluntarily abandon means so completely within their power, and so simple, of enhancing all their physical perfections.

But let it be recollected, that to produce its beneficial effects, exercise must be taken in the open air. Not all the occupations appertaining to the domestic duties of a female, though they may require her to bustle from garret to cellar, will impart the kind of action to the different portions of the body by which her health and beauty shall be essentially improved.

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© Samantha Sebesta, Samantha James, and The Chronicles of History: Reading Into Our Past, 2024. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Samantha Sebesta with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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